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The new physics
May 6, 2012
Scientists at the Ratbags High Energy Physics Laboratory have postulated the existence of a new subatomic particle. It has four times the mass of the neutron and can replace the neutron in the nucleus of atoms, making the elements (and compounds of those elements) much denser. The Ratbags physicists have booked time on the Large Hadron Collider to test the theory, which requires colliding streams of protons and electrons at 98.6% of the speed of light.
We all know that one of the fundamental constants of our universe is the number e, which is approximately 2.718281828459045235360287471352662497757247093699959574966. It was the irrational nature of e that provided the first clue to the possible existence of the moron, the postulated neutron replacement particle. According to the hypothesis, four protons can combine with 2e electrons creating the extremely short-lived Schipp's Boson which immediately decays into a stable moron by emitting an electron and an extremely energetic photon of blinding stupid. This electron/photon pair will replace J. J. Thompson's definition to become the standard concept of delta radiation, which is particularly appropriate given that objects and persons containing a measurable proportion of moron particles exhibit significant measurement on the scale of dumbth.
There is evidence that the reaction can happen at the temperature inside a human body, as shown by the fact that there are people exhibiting moron properties while simultaneously radiating stupid, but if science learnt anything from the cold fusion fiasco it was to wait until the basic science was in place before calling the press conference.
If this hypothesis is supported it is obvious Nobel Prize material. If it turns out not to work we are planning to license the concept to Dan Brown for his next book.
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